Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Does he sleep through the night?..ahh!!

zzzzz...

(picture of Will at 1 week old.)

Does he sleep through the night?...Ahhh!! Why is this always one of the first questions someone asks you when they meet your child? Whether your baby is 3 months old or 2 years old there seems to be some sort of belief in our culture that they should have the same sleep pattern as an adult. I find it odd that we think this when in reality more than 50% of babies younger than 2 years of age wake up during the night. It seems that "sleeping through the night" becomes an important goal for so many moms and when it is not accomplished or we choose not to "train" our babies we feel like we are failures. Why?...The only reason I can think of is that we may look like we are doing something wrong as a parent. Absolutely not! I am not an expert by any means, but I have read through several infant sleep books with all sorts of philosophies thinking that my baby was not normal only to learn that after reading these books by child is totally normal. Not only is my child normal, but that many other moms feel the same way, and we shouldn't need a book to tell us that. Sometimes we even feel as if we have to tell a little white lie about how many times our baby wakes up in the night in order to look like our child is normal. hmm...that's not good; and we should not have to feel this way.

Why don't they sleep through the night?...the simplest answer that I came up with is that a baby's nervous system is not quite fully developed yet. A baby's brain is only one-quarter of adult size at birth, compared with at least one-half adult size in other animals. (...at least that is the info. I have gathered from a few different resources.) This makes human babies the least capable and most dependant on their parents of any species. Then as the baby grows they start teething, they go through all sorts of developmental stages. They wake up wanting to crawl because they know that they can. There are many times that our babies become overstimulated, just like adults do. We all have nights were we have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. Our baby may wake up more frequently to nurse then the night before because they simply might be going through a growth spurt or may be fighting some sort of sickness and they need those extra antibodies from the breast milk to help fight it off. Maybe they just want the comfort of their mama for a few minutes. There is a full list of reasons a baby may wake up in the night; things we can help control and others that we cannot, but we can always be a comfort...and sometimes that is all they really want anyways. I think that is okay.

As many of you know I like to quote Peggy O'Mara. She is never biased and always full of wisdom that comes straight from her heart and her experience as a mother. Below is a caption from an essay she wrote about night waking...

"Infants are not supposed to conform to our convenient 20th century sleep schedule, our nine-to-five lives inside our houses. They are preceded by 100,000 generations of hunter-gatherers. They expect to be carried. They cannot soothe themselves. Our response to their needs creates a model for the internal psychological structures by which they will eventually be able to soothe themselves. Babies' cries are an instinct and a resource. The reason it hurts in our bellies when we hear a baby cry is because it's supposed to. We are not supposed to be able to endure a baby's cry. It is what ensures a baby's survival. We have to take care of the baby to alleviate our own suffering. If you have a baby who wakes during the night, know that it is perfectly normal. You can go to your baby with comfort and affection, and he or she will learn comfort and affection. If you find your baby's night waking terribly inconvenient, you can go to a sleep clinic where your baby will be diagnosed with a "sleep disorder" and where people who have learned about babies in institutions or through studies will give you permission to control your child's behavior so that it will no longer be inconvenient to you. If, instead, you would consider this inconvenience part of the job description of a parent, and if you realize that this first conflict of needs sets the tone for all future conflicts with your child, then you may want to consider the corny old adage that has been passed down from generation to generation:"When they're young, they step on your toes. When they're old, they step on your heart. You can be sure they will step on your heart when they are old if you do not let them step on your toes when they are young."

It is normal.

This also leads into co-sleeping and bed sharing. Does that have an effect on whether my baby will sleep better?...maybe so, maybe not...I guess you have to decide what really matters to you. Co-sleeping is the norm in most human societies. It not only strengthens the bond, but is safer and said to be important in helping your child develop into a loving, self-confident, and independent person. There are many studies on this and there are soooo many benefits of having a family bed that I could get into, but we may have to save that for another day. Many people have asked us why we chose to do this, and the real reason is that ultimately Will chose to sleep with us. When we were planning for Will to come we decided that we were not going to choose a way of sleep, but leave it open for what our baby adapted to best. We had a crib set up in another room and a co-sleeper set up next to our bed. The first night at home with Will I put him in the co-sleeper next to our bed and he kept spitting up a lot each time I would lay him down inside that thing. I was a naive new mama, freaking out, and did not know what to do. He kept crying and crying...and I realized that the only way he was content was in our bed right next to me. He was right next to me where we could hear and feel each other breathing. We tried a few different ways of sleeping, but it did not take us long to figure out that we all slept best and were most comfortable with him in our bed. We loved hearing his sweet sounds in the night, and waking up to him rolling over with a smile. It increased my milk supply tremendously, and he has always been well fed and healthy. It has been especially nice for Thad being able to share this time with him because as a busy grad student there were many nights when he wouldn't even get to see Will. They have been able to bond through sleeping together. I don't think I really was ever sleep deprived because I never had to actually get up in the middle of the night and spend hours feeding. We just cuddled in close and nursed while sleeping. It is incredibly relaxing! I love that we have had this bonding time together... As for now at just 16 months old Will was starting to get extremely squirely and we were all getting a bit uncomfortable and not sleeping as well. Maybe this is just a phase, but it was the cue to try something new. We got the futon mattress all set up in a nice comfy bed for Will and he got so excited about it. Every time he walks into the room he gasps with excitement and pounces on the bed. He for now sleeps on a futon mattress low to the ground. There are many nights that I end up in bed with him, but also nights where I wake up in my own bed only to realize that we all are sleeping much better now. Maybe in a few months he might sleep better back in our bed and maybe he never will want to again, but we learned that the coolest of experiences happen when we really listen to our child and what he needs from us and not focusing on what a book tells us to do. I do miss him in bed with us, and still cherish those moments when I do get to nurse him in the night. It is our quiet time together when really nothing else is going on. It's just us.

I believe it is important to set up a good bedtime routine and to help guide these little ones in the direction of good sleep, but like any other developmental stage sleeping through the night happens at the pace of each individual baby. The question I often ask myself when feeling overwhelmed by society is...Are my baby's wakeful ways truly upsetting me, or does the problem lay more in the perceptions of those around me?

Your baby's sleep is only a problem if you feel they are.

9 comments:

Liz said...

Wow, I needed to read that! Caden has been struggling to sleep in his pack n' play in our room and has ended up in bed with us. I have been going back and forth on what to do, but this really encouraged me. So thanks! I might have some questions for you!

Angela Thayer said...

Steph, I agree with you 100%. Troy didn't like sleeping in his crib or bassinet at first, so he did sleep with us. It made it so much easier for nursing and sleeping. He likes his bassinet now (it's in our room), but occasionally sleeps with us! Also, I don't know why there's such a huge emphasis on "sleeping through the night" either. I think it's very natural for kids to wake up to have their needs met. Thanks for your blog and encouragment!

Jamie said...

I have been thinking about blogging about sleep for a long time now! Definitely the first question that people...esp. strangers ask us about our 6 mo. old. Then they precede to explain how their friend/child/etc. slept through the night right away and suggest a book written by Ferber, ugh!

We usually start Lauren out in her crib but by the morning she is nuzzled between us in bed. Honestly, I would prefer that she wakes up at least once in the night to relieve my pressure and nurse.

MParks83 said...

I'm so glad you posted this! I wish you would have posted it a few months ago though! :-) No I totally agree with you about the pressures to get your baby to sleep through the night. When I went back to work, Leah was waking up anywhere from 3-5 times a night and it was so frustrating sometimes I would just cry because I knew I had to be at work the next day. I resorted to keeping her in bed with me so I could nurse her constantly and I loved it but I was always so scared I would hurt her. When I decided to stay home, it was much less stressful but she finally let me know that she was ready to sleep through the night at 6 months old. Of course I felt like I was doing something wrong but I know deep down I wasn't. Sorry this is so long! I sent this to Morgan Wheeler (Floro) because she is having the same issues with her 3 month old and is on the verge of a meltdown like I was. She really appreciated it!

Jess said...

thanks for the interesting insights into parenting/motherhood. I like reading these things and storing them away for a future time when we will (hopefully) need them! (we're not trying, but I do want to have kids, just to clarify) :).

Kyle said...

Hi, Steph. Brother-in-law here. Just a caution. You say about Peggy O'Mara that "She is never biased." Careful here. This is a myth of modernity. No one is "never biased." Thinking that someone has no bias can be dangerous, especially if one believes everything a person says or writes. Because then you are in danger of uncritically accepting what someone else says. All people have their social, cultural, political, philosophical or other biases. In the field of Biblical scholarship and literature we call these "hermeneutical lenses." As humans we simply cannot escape them. These biases can damage, taint, or even help what one thinks/believes. So, your author is biased. We need to read more carefully to see what the bias is. I see a number of biases in just the passage you cited from her.

Now, once one identifies bias, then one goes on to the task of figuring out the good/bad of that bias and whether it is a worthwhile bias. And as you are a Christian, you have to at some point say that all biases not in conformity with the gospel are secondary and not a hill worth dying on....

So, just a caution as you read things: all people have bias. And one can easily expose their own bias by siding with certain ideas and disagreeing with others. Just be careful. There is no such thing as an unbiased perspective.

STEPHANIE. said...

Kyle-
yes, as a reader it can be very dangerous if you are unaware that an opinion is just an opinion. Maybe I should have expressed it differently and not said that "she is never biased", because thinking about it that does make sense that there is no unbiased perspective. Maybe I should have said that I have read several of Peggy's articles and essays and she has been pretty fair in addressing other perspectives other than her own in many of them, but obviously not all. I agree, the passage I quoted is very biased. Thanks for the heads up. But do you really think it is bad to side with a biased opinion or even share your own biased opinion? I guess I don't see anything wrong with it as long as you are aware that it is just one opinion and not THE WAY. It is not my intention to write my opinion and hope that all others should do things the way I do them. (When my thoughts are not biblical) I would hope everyone would know that... but I want to challenge them to know that there is another perspective outside the norm of what most Americans think, in this case about sleeping. I would hope that they would then take that opinion and like you said figure out what is wrong/right or best for them.

Kyle said...

Yea I think it is good to share your views. I would not just want to share an "opinion" but a perspective on something that is well-enough grounded that I think others should take notice.

Sharing views and discussing/debating them is the stuff of life. We can't really move ahead or learn if we do not. Similarly, if we just say "whatever you think is good for you" does not get us anywhere. It encourages people to avoid discussion and debate on matters that are supposed to be important.

Even in spite of "biases" some people and their biases are just worse than others. But, we don't know this until we figure out what the biases are, how and why they are good or bad, and what it matters to their particular perspective. I just was a little nervous when you said she was not biased, that's all. Its never good to say that..... ;-)

STEPHANIE. said...

awesome. thanks Kyle!...you always have me thinking. :)

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